Thursday, 24 November 2011


Not to be phased he rushed over and yelled, “Oi, put it back!” the sound of the traffic deafened his cries. “Alright, you can borrow it, but bring it back within the hour.” with that he stormed off.
“Do anything for you would Dave.”
“My brother’s friend had a Honda 50 once…” and on she whined. Basically, this monster from Essex wanted to stay the night, dossing in reception, rather than pay the necessary to have the comfort of a top class bunk. Her tactic was to bore us to death so that the pity factor kicked in.
She opened her handbag and pulled out some postcards for her wonderfully exciting family. While she wrote I stood outside of the reception lounge and gradually turned the dimmer switch lower- one degree every minute. Her face moved closer and closer to the cards as she struggled to see.
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“Could you turn the lights up please?” she asked cluelessly.
“Impossible, weakness on the national grid. Same all over the country.” Dave said with an air of authority.
“Put your arms in the air like this.” I said raising my arms.
“What will that do?”
“Well they do say many hands make light work.”
“Do they?”
Ok, it was not the best joke in the world but she did not even get it.
“Also, it will take the smell away from your breath.” That was harsh from Dave.
He whispered to me, “I’ve got to get rid of her; she’s getting on me plaster (backside).
In a second Dave pulled a small canister from his pocket and motioned me outside. He sprayed the CS gas above her head and said, “Insects.” As we left for the balcony. She coughed and spluttered a bit as we had pulled the doors closed and leant against them to bar access and then moved away. She fell between us as her eyes streamed.
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“Now you know how a mosquito feels.”
“Look Dave, he brought your bike back.”
“Cheers mate, any time.”
“Hi Bobby.” a voice yelled from below.
“Good evening Richard.” I replied. “How art thou?”
“Ooooh, you sound so sexy.” as he trolled off.

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