Tuesday, 22 November 2011


I called in at the Gordon’s to see Dave and drink some lovely coffee. “Watcha, you stupid trilby” (+hat= prat). I was glad to see him on form and not overly worried about his perceived lack of Soccer skills. “Meet Doris. She’s from Essex, you’d never guess. Some farm, I think.”
“Hello Doris, my name’s Bob.” I held out my hand.
“My name’s Marion, actually.”
“How do you do Marion Actually, a strange surname if ever I heard one.” she was well out of her Tupperware league here. “Well?”
“Yes I am.” She could not have meant that as a joke. “Apart from the migraines I get from time to time.”
“What star sign are you?” I asked while Dave was scrawling something on a scrap of paper.
“Never mind the night is still young.”
As she nailed my head to the floor about her many ailments and how bad the Kibbutz was that she had just left, miles from anywhere, and she had come to see the sights of the holyland. Did she expect to see the third temple in the middle of a farm just for her?
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“You’re gonna see the biggest monument in the country in a minute, and then Bob’s gonna show you his antique dagger.”
“Oh, that would be nice.” Was this a double bluff?
I read the slip of paper which said ‘What a pig!’. I wrote back ‘boring as well’.
“Is it true that you are an associate member of Mensa; you only pay half the fees as you’ve only got half the intelligence?” a tad unkind of Dave, but amusing none the less.
“It’s hard work being the owner of a chain of hotels, isn’t it Bob?”
“Yeah. Me and Dave are partners.”
“You’re gay?”
“Business partners. We both put in 20 Shekels each and look where we are now.”
“Yeah, small acorns from quart pots grow into sows’ ears.”
“You what?”
“Yeah, we got one hotel in Florida.”
“And another at Jaywick Sands.” I added.
“We’re looking for an international rep, would you be interested? Studio couch auditions only mind; on second thoughts perhaps not.”
“You mustn’t have brains to work here. I think you might be over-qualified.”
“Are you able to jet off at a moment’s notice?”
“Well f*** off now then.”
“Would you prefer Miami airport or Clacton?”
“I’ve never been to Miami.”
“Clacton it is then. You might get lost in Australia. Phone first thing tomorrow, Dave.”
We paused for some internal laughing and she took that as a signal to start up again. She did well at school passing 2 GCSE’s as well as helping with the Brownies. Her first job was as a secretary and then worked… on and on she went.
I wandered to the balcony and stared at the motorbikes below.” That’s mine the Honda Goldwing and that’s Dave’s the red Suzuki.”
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Dave came over and said, “No I sold it that Harley’s mine.” and walked back.
“My sister didn’t want to get married but….” She had more waffle than an ice-cream stall. As we spoke a cool-looking dude, with sunglasses, strode over and got on the Harley. “Dave, Dave, someone’s nicking your bike!”

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